Feb 21

Buzzword Reaction Syndrome

Cliches in work environments are like fog in San Francisco, political machines in Chicago and expensive apartments in Manhattan: it practically defines the environment.  I experienced this at a recent meeting where a manager I have known since he started at the ground level went through a litany of tired buzzwords during a discussion that was meant to get people excited about an upcoming very large transition. Management by buzzword is his style. I do not believe I have ever been in a meeting with this manager in which he has not used at least one to two overused, exhausted management buzzwords. And I admit that I cringe in mental agony every time he drops one of these buzzwords into his conversation.

This leads to a few questions.
(1)Where do buzzwords come from?
(2)Why do people adopt and use buzzwords?
(3)Why do I, and others, react so negatively to buzzwords?
(4)Is there a way for me to change my reaction to buzzwords?
(5)Can I learn something from people that are using buzzwords?

(1) It’s a mystery to me how these things get started and I can only speculate. It might have something to do with phrases and terms used in academic texts and environments being adopted for use by students or other readers of those texts or participants in those classes. Metaphors are very useful in the sciences as starting points to bring in neophytes to difficult ideas, but these metaphors are often used and the actual messages by students, readers and others as the actual message itself. This can create a sort of Chinese Whispers effect with the actual idea and you end up with rather startling reality impacting practices such as creationists radically misusing the word “theory” outside its very well defined meaning in the sciences and a whole world of people using “begs the question” when they mean “leads to the question”.

(2) Again I can only guess people use buzzwords as shortcuts for larger concepts the same way that people use metaphors as shortcuts for understanding concepts. Once a buzzword is in use by a large number of people (or, to use a current buzzword that’s in full bloom right now, ‘in the wild’) then it has taken on a conceptual meaning that quite likely doesn’t have anything to do with the origin of the phrase. People probably use the buzzword to convey a large conceptual idea quickly. This does make the broad (and often incorrect) assumption that everyone will have experienced the buzzword or will be able to grasp the meaning from the words within context. Of course, I am sure that many people use buzzwords to look ‘in the know’ about their field and to assert themselves as being knowledgeable and current about their field. That is a charitable way of saying people use buzzwords to try to make themselves look smart, often trying to look smarter than they really are or cover up deficiencies in their knowledge or skills. Sadly, I have a suspicion that a great deal of buzzword use falls into this latter usage.

(3) is interesting to me because it is a self-exploration into why I have an immediate emotional reaction to something. I will just say that I essentially cringe, mostly internally but often quite externally, at the use of buzzwords. In particular the use of buzzwords by managers or even co-workers that fall into using them simply as a method of forwarding themselves as ‘in the know’ in their field in addition to using them to cover up deficiencies in their skills. It makes me mad. There’s no way around that part of it. It makes me mad at how broken both people and systems are that reward a behavior that should be viewed as a warning of a person’s ignorance. Perhaps ignorance is too strong of a word, though. Lack of creative or critical thinking skills is more likely the warning one should take from buzzword use. Using buzzwords is often a shortcut to latching on to a popular, bigger idea that looks like it is working for everyone else. Certainly, in some cases, buzzwords evolve into larger conceptual frameworks that genuinely describe an industry-wide phenomena, such as an industry’s adoption of a management methodology or best practice system. There might even by a cyclic relationship in those cases where a buzzword idea evolves into something more significant, into a systematized and documented way of thinking, behaving or acting that becomes actual practical practices. But the negative reaction I have to buzzwords has never changed, and what I am writing here is an attempt to explore why I react and if anything positive can be achieved from experiencing their use.

(4) This is the key to why I am here. What can I do to not only change my reaction to buzzword use, but to take something positive away from it. I doubt that I will ever take away what the user of the buzzword wants me to take away from it.  The only way I think I can change my negative reaction to it is to make a game out of it that goes beyond Buzzword Bingo and make it more of a scavenger hunt instead. Instead of just checking off the words, gather them and do something with them. Make myself a prize at the end: discover what was meant by the use of those buzzwords by asking the person about them later.

(5) Can I take the negative activity of someone else and make it positive for myself in a way that is useful, compelling, and educational for me and not in a way that simply comes down to “Don’t do this.”? I supposed one way to treat it would be to take notes of the buzzwords. Write them down. Figure out what they mean and why the person may have used that buzzword to convey their idea. The next step would be to contact the person and ask them what idea they were trying to communicate with using the buzzword.  Do they remember using the buzzword? This would be a good exercise in avoiding the buzzwords and more thoroughly thinking through my own use of words and vocabulary. It would also open up a line of communication with a person that uses the words and might start a relationship with them that could open them up to changes in their communication techniques and might open me up to taking buzzwords a bit more charitably.

I have the opportunity to practice this very soon, in fact. As odd as it sounds, using a buzzword bingo sheet or a list might end up being the best way to keep track of the use of the words.  The big step is going beyond tracking them and choosing a few of the ones used and contacting the person and asking about what they meant by the use of that word and what idea they were trying to communicate.



Feb 08

Moving From Planning Stages To Tasks and Implementation Stages

One of the primary tasks I have been working on for a few weeks now is setting goals to work on over the next year for my Focus Project. Following the plan I set out on last year to have five areas of focus, this year I specifically set out to limit each area of focus to five goals total. If I reach/complete a goal in one of the areas, then I can add a new goal to work toward. Five areas of focus. Five goals under each are. Some of the goals are big, long-term types of goals that will likely just get milestones accomplished, which is fine. Other goals are small, every day small activities that lead to a larger goal being accomplished through small bits of self discipline. All of the goals each require me to focus and plan and accomplish some sets of tasks, though.

Moving on to those tasks is the challenge, though. Planning is its own tasks, of course, and it’s very easy to get myself caught up in the planning of the tasks and thinking through them and what all the steps are and then… not doing the damned things! Instead, I just plan, plan, plan. Brains are full of dumb when it comes to this sort of thing. It’s easy to convince myself that “Well, this IS part of getting the tasks done.” when I’m only doing the planning for the overall Focus Project. And that is exactly why I coming here to write as part of the whole thing: to remind myself that you can’t accomplish anything just by planning. There has to be the moving on stage when you begin working on the tasks and implementing some of them.

I have now reached the point that the planning phase starts to become the scheduling phase for tasks that need accomplished to move toward goals in each area of focus. Instead of getting up early to focus on the Focus Project itself, I will soon start getting up early to spend focus task times on specific tasks that need to be accomplished as baby steps toward the milestone that need to be reach in order to achieve the goal.

It goes like this for me (and probably many others): Idea for Focus Project. Determine areas of focus. Determine goals to be reached in those areas of focus. Determine measurable units, milestone markers, baby steps, attainability, relevance, time boundaries and plans to achieve the goal. It’s easy to get stuck in the planning of all of this, but today is when I stare it in the face and start scheduling the work toward the baby steps and milestones and then actually performing the work itself. Good morning Focus Project implementation phase. Let’s get started.

Feb 07

Waylaid By Jackassery

“Why is it every time I need to get somewhere, we get waylaid by jackassery?” – Dr. Thaddeus “Rusty” Venture

It’s funny just how accurate this quote from The Venture Brothers can seem some days. It’s entirely accurate to my situation in more than a few instances, though.  Other phrases for this abound. My other favorite way to describe this is from Merlin Mann: Searching for the Perfect Apostrophe. (MP3 file will open in a new window.) Basically it’s all about distraction. In the case of the Perfect Apostrophe it is about self-induced misdirection and focus on the wrong things; losing site of the end game entirely because you’re caught up in the wrong details. In the case of Dr. Venture it’s about everything around that is part of your life, including your family and your past and your colleagues and your friends and even your protectors all have connections to you that pull at you all the time, and often during the times you most need for those connections to be severed (or at least slack), they pull on your the hardest. It’s about family and personal disaster implosion and everything collapsing in on you as you try to get somewhere.

The sneaky part of this is that it’s a trap. Not an obvious trap. And worse, the trap isn’t the one you think it is at all. It isn’t that all of those things catch up with you at all. It is that in a lot of ways we all seek out being waylaid by jackassery. It’s easier to deal with the emergencies of being waylaid by jackassery than it is to deal with the mundane checklist of things you are trying to think through, write down, and cross off. The trivial tasks that seem so trivial that the jackassery all of the sudden seems more important to deal with NOW NOW NOW! Yet, often, being waylaid by jackassery is a result of letting a bunch of trivial, mundane boring stuff molder.

I am terrible at getting caught up in the Perfect Apostrophe trap. However, I’ve had it in my head that I am not one to get waylaid by jackassery, yet when I really think about it and look back on it, well, I am TOTALLY waylaid by jackassery on a regular basis. In fact, this sentence alone is starting several days after the previous sentence because, well, I was waylaid by jackassery. A combination of illness, accident, work demands and family demands all were in place to put two days between one sentence and the next. Sure, it’s hard to really say important family things or something happen to someone that you care about is jackassery, but to the task at hand that’s being interrupted and waylaid, well, to that task it is jackassery that is keeping the task from being accomplished. If you are Dr. Venture, generally it could be one of your kids being kidnapped by your villainous arch enemy the Monarch. If you are me, then it’s less your villainous arch enemy and more the vagaries of fate at the playground with your kid or spouse and the unpredictability of picking up a bug along the way to work or your work demands all of the sudden shifting toward things you couldn’t predict.  Indeed, when you have personal goals you want to accomplish and working through a series of tasks to accomplish them, it’s often seems like the entire world is The Monarch just waiting to kidnap one of your kids while you’re one your way to try and sell an invention to the defense department. In other words, damn near everything becomes the villainous arch enemy to that ONE THING you are trying to accomplish. When accomplishing one thing is your focus, all things that waylay your focus from the tasks necessary to accomplish that thing are jackassery.

The amusing part of me writing about this is that I don’t have anything to offer on how not to be waylaid by jackassery. It just happens. Once you or your bodyguard has rescued your son from The Monarch then you take a deep breath and you said “Now, where were we?” You look at what was happening before all the jackassery went down, climb back on board the X-1 and get back in the air to sell your inventions or stop an alien invasion or whatever it is you were doing before. Jackassery happens to everyone, failures and successes alike.

Feb 01

Measuring Attainable Goals

One of the key challenges I have in using the S.M.A.R.T. method of setting goals is the nebulousness of “attainability”. It is something that puzzled me because it seems like something that should have a scale.  And searching for an attainability scale online doesn’t garner very good results. But, the top result was actually useful because it came from a career development department at a university for engineers. The scale was broader than I liked, but it served as an excellent starting point for creating my own attainability scale.

My Attainability Scale

Attainability needs to be defined. I have determined that attainability should be measured on a scale of 1 to 5.

1 – Trivial Goal – that requires no effort to obtain and can be done almost when thought of and entered into the taske manager. A “DO IT NOW” Goal that can often be part of a set of tasks when working toward a Typical Goal. Might be simply considered a task, but can be thought of a small goal when motivation and encouragement based on completion of steps is needed.Everything starts with trivial goals. These are the foundation for reaching Transformative Goals.
2 – Typical Goal – Requires use of Focused Time to achieve and can take anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour. Can often be part of a set of tasks when working toward a Stepping Stone goal.
3 – Stepping Stone Goal – A goal that requires Focused Time, some planning, some scheduling, several actions, some tracking of progress. Can often be an overall goal to reach when working toward a Milestone Goal.
4 – Milestone Goal – A goal that requires significant planning, scheduling, actions and tracking of progress but can be achieved over a period of weeks or months. Can often be a goal toward a Transformative Goal.
5 – Transformative Goal – Requires significant planning, scheduling, actions, tracking of progress, regular review of the progress and the Milestone achievements
Jan 31

Cataloging Failure

Searching for “studying failure” on any search engine shows that it’s a rather popular topic for blogging, discussion and exploration. Most of the results are largely about learning from failure, and I am very much on board with this right now.  I certainly found at least one very adamant opponent to studying failure, and the responses to him were, to me, right on the money. The opponent of this method said you should study your successes. I agree. But not studying your failure, or not examining failure at all or dismissing the examination and reflection on failure is a great way to set yourself up for a big failure later when your methods for achieving success no longer work.  Continue reading

Jan 30

When Success and Acceptance Are Failure and Rejection

My work situation has been fairly unhappy for a long time. It is tedious and there is no room for advancement where I work. It’s a large, dysfunctional organization with a host of built in biases that put me at a distinct disadvantage. At my workplace they have been restructuring for over a year now, essentially under the guise of best practices improvements. It being an educational institution with the person in charge coming from private enterprise, what is really happening is the corporatization of the university. They are also using some amusing doublespeak words to label the restructuring, and it is so specific that I can’t actually say it here since it would clearly reveal the place. I will say that so far two large groups have been restructured, much to the chagrin of the people that use the services of those groups. Sadly and unfortunately, the restructuring of the group I work with looks to be no different. (I am going to write more about that another time, in fact.)

Restructuring in this case means dissolving and eliminating existing process and human resource infrastructure. On the whole it means large scale depersonalization or most process and infrastructure services. For me personally, and all of my colleagues, it means having to apply for new jobs in the newly formed restructured group, interview for those jobs and then either be hired into those new positions or be laid off. I was hired into a new position. Success and acceptance! …that feels like failure and rejection. Why? Because it continues me down the same plodding path I’ve been in for nearly five years without any change in sight.  I can look back on a lot of great positive changes that I implemented myself (in fact, that’s another entry and probably some great things to add to my LinkedIn profile), but overall I feel like a wasted resource where I work and with the work I do.

I successfully landed my job back. I was offered a position. Yet, it feels like I failed to really make any changes. Additionally, one of the key parts of the new job is a site relocation in six months to a site that I have worked at before but which I find abysmal. Landing the same job is a small disappointment because I also interview for a small step up position that, frankly, I am overqualified for to begin with (as I am with my current job). The relocation feels like outright rejection, though. And so here I am writing about it all to sort out how to make these two things positive movements forward.

Successfully landing the same position: Motivation. That is the positive move forward. My workplace is vastly underusing me and my skills. That’s dual motivation of (1) perhaps I didn’t present myself or portray myself in the right way in the interview, (2) where I work is a progressive educational institution which means that who I am genetically has a big influence on whether or not I am considered for a position or not and (3) educational institutions are political institutions and I am not a politically oriented or politically motivated person. This is a two-fold motivation: change myself and change my environment. Two-fold is a good way to describe it, as these two ideas fold in on each other. My environment is one that does not really encourage me to thrive or excel, nor is it one that values what I have to offer.  Therefore, my motivation to find a place that does value those things (or to create a place for myself that values those things) is very high. This is the positive aspect of a bad situation and this is the learning moment of the bad situation: Change myself. Change my environment.

Acceptance via banishment: Motivation. My workplace is moving me to a location I don’t find safe or agree with being assigned to and I can’t help but interpret it as a form or social rejection. Coincidentally I had an article clipped to Evernote with the subject tag “inspiration” and “motivation” about this very thing. The suggestions they give are good, and the first suggestion  is to confront the problem. I did that immediately, even before accepting the job (I have not accepted as of this writing, in fact) in email asking about this relocation.  I received what I can only describe as exactly the type of responses I have come to expect from the place where I work. It is interesting to receive responses like this, though.  Non-committal, deflective responses emphasize what I learned in the previous paragraph: It is not an environment where I can thrive. Deflection and not answering the questions from a future supervisor is never a good sign, but having that knowledge ahead of time is a good to know.  It keeps me from wasting time in the future. The other suggestion is the one that is all part of the Focus Project: “if it can’t be solved, consider ways to remove yourself from the situation because unwarranted social rejection isn’t healthy for anybody”.  And that is exactly the plan over the next year. Move on. Move out. Move away. Move forward.

Move. “A person has to participate.” – Studs Terkel

Jan 29

Catching Up To Self Forgiveness and Self Exploration

On the last post I mentioned self forgiveness and failed to explore it at all. That’s interesting and, well, forgivable. This place to write isn’t about productivity and deadliness anyway, but just about writing through things and thinking them through. This one is a little more public and it’s also a way to explore WordPress, so not writing here for just a couple of days is largely forgivable.

Self forgiveness is something that has never come easy to me. In fact, I have generally been very binary about caring about success and failure. By that I mean I have been either entirely not caring at all about failures or beating myself up over failures. The former is more difficult to explain, but usually not caring at all about failure has been grounded in ignorance. Basically me not knowing the consequences of failure or not understanding what I’ve failed at. That in itself is a topic that could probably be discussed at great length, but overall it just means that if I was completely detached from a large failure in my life that it probably meant that I was oblivious to the consequences of the implications. Of course, there are certainly times when being detached and not caring about failure are fine and justified, but in a lot of cases I basically just haven’t cared enough about failing at something for it to bother me.  Or worse, if it was genuinely important that I wasn’t moved to positive action from it.

The other way I have dealt with failure is the one that is probably more familiar to people: beating up on myself. i.e. just being downright unforgiving of making mistakes at all and become obsessed with avoiding that mistake in the future. Frankly, this is equally as bad as not giving a damn since it basically results in an identical way of dealing with things but on the opposite end of the spectrum: going to extremes. In the case of not caring at all, that extreme is apathy. In the case of not forgiving my mistakes, that extreme is obsession. The latter extreme is also a case of skewing priorities and the importance of certain actions. i.e. focusing on a single failure and trying to prevent only that type of failure in the future.  And THAT doesn’t change the overall habits that are needed to avoid systemic failures. In other words, it doesn’t change the process, it only changes the response to one type of event.

It’s the wrong kind of thing to learn from failure. If anything, what I should be learning from failure is that, in fact, failure happens. It’s part of life. Sure, it shouldn’t be the primary thing you do, and it certainly shouldn’t be the primary thing you focus on, but it has to be part of the process. You can’t thrive without some disappointments and failures.  Failures are where you learn a lot about yourself. It’s a great starting point for self exploration, actually.

That’s how I’ve ended up here. I felt like I had failed at my Focus Project last year and instead of just drowning my sorrows in beer or losing myself in nostalgic movie escapes, I decided I wanted to explore my failure. Not just my failure, but failure in general as a theme. I want to learn from not just my own failure, but from other failure as well. I want to use failure as an avenue for self exploration. Ironically what it ended up doing, though, was emphasizing my big successes with last year’s Focus Project. Not everything succeeded, but there were some big successes. I simply started to dwell on my failures at the end instead of looking back and examining the successes. Looking back and throughout a year eventually gets you to where you are now and then looking back turns into looking inward and becomes self exploration. And that is where I am now. Self exploring my ideas and assumptions about success and failure.

Jan 25

Finding Focus and Being Self-Forgiving

Most things I read about “finding focus” have to do with getting into the concentration zone where you only think about that one thing you are trying to think about and also DOING something with that thing (creating, writing, processing, etc.).  This morning I woke up early again (two days in row! Hoorary!) and was thinking about what I could use the time for.  In that I took yesterday morning to examine and reflect on my successes and failures last year and what I learned from them, I sat down this morning to think about what I want to focus on this year. I suspect most go-get-‘em types start doing this sort of thing in December, but honestly, I can’t say I was in the best place in December to really tackle this.  December is a giant combination of elation and depression in many ways, and BNAT was the elation and post-BNAT was the depression, so I wasn’t able to get motivated or create time to start thinking about what I could focus on for 2013.  Frankly, that low point after BNAT and up until the past few weeks is what finally kicked me into taking action to move forward with something new and to examine my failures and successes.  It’s funny that feeling like a failure is what has led me down this path of examining not only my failures, but my successes and having a giant revelation about just how successful last year’s Focus Project was even though it collapsed at the end of the year. There was a lot of auto-pilot by about 3/4 of the way through the year, or maybe 2/3, but a lot of that was (and still is) rooted in my place of employment not being well organized or well-scheduled during their restructuring. That’s caused a lot of doubt, self-doubt and nervousness over the chaos of the situation.  Frankly, I’m tired of all that. That’s a form of letting other people control you life, and that is a proxy of letting other people control how well you are thriving and existing in the world around you.  I suppose I’m to the point of not only publicly saying “Ugh. Fuck that stupid shit.” but also to the point of having the deep realizations about it.  The only person that’s going to treat me any better in my professional world on a daily basis is going to be me.

What does that have to do with this morning? Well, for one thing I believe all of that undercurrent (and my lack of beer) is giving me the energy to wake up early in the mornings and work on ideas for how to make our lives better over the next year.  While most people probably have good ideas of these types of things (or maybe not – I kid myself that other people have their shit together a lot more than they really do), I really sat down this morning and hit the Focus Booster app for 30 minutes to just do nothing but sit and write about what some of the things are that I need to focus on for the next year and which of those things are worth being designated for the Focus Project. Not just me, but my family as well. If it were just me, it would look similar but also very different. I would probably spend a lot more time focused on drawing and photography if I were the only one to worry about, but I’m not. So financial improvement and professional growth (and improvement) are things that are going to take precedence this year.  Those things are incredibly important and becoming a higher priority every year I get older and every year my daughter gets older as well. None of it’s ‘fun’ in the creative way that drawing or taking pictures is fun, but I have to make it interesting by setting goals to work toward and to make sure that the time and work I put into those things will make our lives better overall, not just in one area.  That means there has to be at least some time for the drawing and/or the photography this year or I will end up focused on achieving only one “fun” goal like BNAT again and then once achieved find myself lost in a fog afterwards.

For the next three days I’m going to wake up early every morning and focus on projects to be part of the Focus Project. That’s the plan.  Along the way, I hope to keep writing here to get thoughts out and to do what amounts to a second run of those early morning thoughts to see what sticks. Also along the way I am hoping to talk more about what tools I am going to use for all of these. I am terrible Perfect Apostrophe pursuer, and I was able to avoid it last year when I started the project and I hope to avoid it again this year while also at least opening myself up to exploring a few new tools.  And if not exploring, then documenting and organizing the tools that I do use for the Focus Project.  We’ll see where all of this goes over the next year, and I’ll do my best to come here regularly and write about it and try to talk about progress and obstruction, success and failure. But it’s time to achieve some significant things this year and I’m worn out and tired of those things in my life that aren’t working anymore, so it’s time to change what I can, keep things I enjoy (and do so within reason with things like beer and actually try to add in some things that have fallen by the wayside like drawing and watching movies more regularly), and get out of my own personal ruts and step up to some new levels of thinking, appreciating and being a different and better person in my own eyes and in the eyes of my family.

Jan 24

Reviewing Failure (And Success)

This morning for the first time in a LONG time I was able to genuinely wake up at 5:00 AM. For some people I know that seems outrageous, but frankly, I like that time of the morning because I can be totally along in our small apartment.  It’s quiet. I can listen to music softly and focus on writing and thinking. I did a small bit of file review and sorting, but the main thing I did when I got up was start writing up a review of last year’s Focus Project. The review was primarily to examine the failures, but as I typed it up, I realized that a big part of it, if not all of it, was successful.  There were definitely some failures, to say the least. The successes were many, though, and some of those were big. I did learn a few things, though.

Have future goals and projects to look forward to when you achieve a goal or complete a project.
This probably sounds obvious to more mature goal setters and project pursuers. But It had been so long since I had really achieve a lot of personal goals that I forgot about the gigantic let down that follows achieving a very large personal goal.

Beer is a double-edge sword for me to enjoy.
This is something I really learned last year at the beginning of the year when I gave up buying beer for myself. Removing it as a daily habit really adds a lot of energy and positivity back to my psyche. That makes sense. Alcohol depletes resources, makes it harder to sleep, and is a depressant. Having beer as a daily habit creates a terrible feedback loop for my body.  I plan on enjoying beer still in the future, but more as a goal itself to work toward, as a reward for big achievements in projects, but not a daily relaxation technique.

Focusing on achieving something works.
I ended the year on very down psyche because of the first bullet point up there. I achieve my goal to attend BNAT, and post-BNAT blues (which are normal) were worse than just blues. They were devastating and almost hopeless feeling. But sitting down to think through my successes this year I realized that, in fact, focusing on achieving something really works for me. I had gigantic successes this year, and the post-BNAT period made it all feel inconsequential and minimized. Only sitting down today to examine it with less emotion and a little more distance did I really start to be amazing at the achievements for 2012. There were failures, sure, and the end of the year being closer than the beginning and middle, made me dwell on the failures since the successes were further away.

There aren’t always clear lessons to be learned.
This one is the hardest. I had a lot of goals regarding my job and work and other professional goals, and while some were achieved, many were not. And there are some things to be learned, but there doesn’t seem to be any clear singular lesson to be learned from my professional failures this year. Accepting failure is one thing. Accepting that there’s not much to be learned from that failure is another thing altogether. Acceptance of that is tough.

Follow my instincts.
There are good and bad things about this, of course. I followed my instincts to come back to San Francisco and pursue a PMP certification, only to have my work life thrown into an uproar with a restructuring that forced my into not having an idea about my financial future, so investing the money into the PMP certification had to be put on hold. That feels like a failure of following my instincts, but I have to look at whether or not my wife and kid were ready for us to pack up and move across the country in three weeks in what was a lateral job move (for a contract job no less) and a gigantic salary reduction in a city that we would still end up struggling in that we may not like struggling in. The instinct now says that it might be time to move, but I am waiting to see what happens over the next week. The real need to follow my instincts, though, came from my failed Photography component of my Focus project. Partially just time, yes, but also the tools I use for photography are all wrong for me. I bought a camera in 2011 that I deeply regret owning now and have little joy in using and little interest in learning. My computer is fine, but my photo management tool, which I am entrenched in using, is slow and buggy and failing me, and I feel a lot of chagrined resentment toward investing so many years into it at this point. So there are two big points of failure that crushed the Photography component of my Focus project. I felt like I should have gone with a micro 4/3 systems and I went with a standard DSLR and it was the wrong decision that I am working hard to overcome emotionally and confidence-wise. Same with investing all of my current photo collection with iPhoto ’11 and it being so incredibly, terribly slow and messed up and not knowing really where to go for a new photo library management tool for the massive photo library I have. More lessons will be learned this year, for sure.

That’s not really all, but those are my highlights that I’m writing here to have open to look at and write about and think about. I want to make this coming year better, and tomorrow when I write here that’s what I’m going to focus on writing and think about. Making this year’s Focus project work better than last years and to really focus on changing our lives and transforming it for the better and the positive.

Jan 22

Rallying From Sickness, Chaos, Distraction and Inattention

I’ve been attempting to rally from distraction and inattention for a while, but I confess to a degree of self-pity when it comes to moving things forward in my life. That isn’t to say that a little self-pity isn’t justified given my workplace and the current situation there. On the other hand, it’s enlightening to just throw your hands up and say “Whatever happens, happens.” and move yourself forward.

Sickness: The last thing I wrote about was being sick and how that saps, depletes, exhaust and empties all of the physical and psychological reserves. It has been ten long days of being sick and being a parent to a 4.5 year old, a spouse, and trying to get day-to-day life done. It is as terrible as it sounds. For both me and my spouse. She has it as well, and she gets the heavier burden of responsibility of parenting. I make up for it by working full time and doing my full share of regular housework (trust me, there’s not an unbalance of housework put on her in our household since I’m the once that is more bothered by messiness and dirtiness – that puts the burden on me just out of sheer desire to not have my brain twitching at me about it while I am home). My kid has fared the worst because she hasn’t been sick and she is 4.5 and has all the energy a 4.5 year old has. i.e. an infinite amount. She has been frustrated, but patient. Still, being sick requires extra rest, including extra sleep, and making any efforts to wake up early during January when you’re sick is like trying to drink cement through a straw. Even worse for myself is that in the moments of my body feeling even slightly better my mind takes it upon itself to beret me for not using the burst of time to get more organized, even though I’m having to catch up on daily life. Ones own mind can sometimes be the worst enemy and least understanding about reality. It’s why I’ve been coming here to write, to let my mind know that I’m not slacking at all, but trying to come to an agreement on how I can balance all of the things in my life.

Chaos: Sickness breeds chaos when you live with a kid. Everything falls behind when your energy and will fail you simply because all of it is being channeled into survival and recovery. Rallying from chaos is daunting, as every organizing book and guru will tell you. You need to start with something small and set priorities, but a week behind even trying to get started at reclaiming those efforts to begin with feels more defeat than setback. Chaos seems less like a dust bunny you have to sweep away or vacuum up and more like a real demon waiting for you to open the door so it can silently attach itself to your back and whisper bitter everythings into your ear. The only way I can think of rallying from chaos is to give myself an inch of organizing in the morning. Not a lot. A few minutes here to look through the piled up mail. A few minutes to read over some Evernote saved articles from the last year on focus and inspiration. Just a taste of something organized, ordered and positive to remind myself that when there’s chaos and you want order, you’re fighting against the natural inclination of the universe itself. Be forgiving and gentle with yourself when you start pulling the demon off your back.

Distraction: This is the real beast of burden when you start feeling sick and when you are sick. You don’t want to be sick and when you are sick you don’t want to just focus on that. You specifically want something, anything to distract you from it and you’ll dart around like a hummingbird looking for short-term distractions or long-term non-productive distractions. Even worse, distraction as an activity is itself incredibly habit forming. It’s how Facebook has exploded to being the most active social network on the planet. It’s built on distraction from everything but it. It notifies via distraction. It draws you in from the world around you as a distraction under the guise that it’s simply connecting you to the real world network of friends and family in your life. But it’s a bit insidious while certainly serving as a genuine connecting tissue for a lot of friends and family. I’m not even sure how I’m going fight distraction myself. I’ve pulled away from Facebook by about 98%, but Twitter is still pinging my brain with its notification system as well and I’m trying to determine exactly how to use it without it just becoming Facebook 2.0 level of distraction for me. I may not be able to.

Inattention: Distraction’s warped offspring is probably my most difficult self inflicted psychological damage that I am working on overcoming. Inattention derives, for me, from distraction. Distraction for me is the want of something new to keep me away from more serious thoughts and responsibilities I need to face and work on. Inattention blossoms with distractions such as Facebook and Twitter because you feel tricked into thinking you’re focused on something, which you are, but the whole thing is managed distraction leading you to a series of constant shifting attention levels resulting into what I can only describe as a self-inflicted inattention wound that you either just let fester or which you try to heal through active separation.

Now comes the time to rally. To take the baby steps to organize and renew my energy and renew my focus. And it’s hard. Even when being sick starts to creep away, the tasks I have before me in all parts of my life seem fairly daunting. But it is heartening to know that this is everyone’s burden as well. We all have to face up to the crappier parts of regular life that we think are boring and take time away from things we enjoy. Some people even end up enjoying those things that are the responsibilities. I’m not sure I can get to that point, but I do hope that I can get to the point where it at least feels rewarding to do those things and to complete them. Rewarding inside not just outside.

The next step is to start small with a plan. A plan to create a small Focus Project with a few primary goals to achieve over the next year. I was successful in some parts of last year’s focus project, but there were failures as well. Some things were simply never addressed. I learned a lot from that. Focus Projects should be considered carefully for what goals need accomplished. Written goals are the best, of course, and the goals that failed last year lacked clarity and well-written goals. Goals need priorities based on life needs and desires.  Goals should be team determined in a family, which although difficult to involve a 4.5 year old, I want to try and determine what she enjoys in life and make sure we have that as well as the things she needs for her overall general well-being. I don’t think this year will be easy at all. It might be really hard depending on what’s coming up. But I think my family and myself all want things to be better and different than they have been, and setting out on a focus project for changes is a good start.