Yes, I am posting because it’s the new year. Sad but true. Such is my life at the moment. Anytime can be a renewal time, of course, but it’s the public recognition of moments of renewal that really get under our skins. It’s been months since I posted anything here, and this is mostly just a place for me to round out thoughts and ideas anyway. The sad part is looking at that last post and seeing the amount of optimism I had only a few months ago and knowing that it has largely been replaced by a great deal of uncertainty and pessimism about a lot of things. This was caused by having a plan in place when I made that post in September only to have it all very much tossed out the window at the end of that month by having my job security be tossed up in the air.
At this point, there are so many things involved with job, life, etc. that even trying to write about them causes a swarm of confusion in my mind. But it comes down to simple things: (1) I might get laid off. (2) I was forced (along with all my co-workers and colleagues) to re-apply for my job and I must re-interview for my job next week. (3) I have the opportunity to say goodbye to a job I have no real stake in and get a couple of months’ pay. (4) I have the opportunity to shine in an interview and get a higher paying job at a place that I have no stake in. (5) The reason for having the job is because of the obvious: income and insurance. (6) I am at a point in my life that I feel like I flat out need to pursue something I like doing or I feel kind of like my life is over in a way.
(5) is the real anchor that keeps me doing a lot of stuff I don’t like doing and has me feeling like I am on a trajectory towards something in the future that I don’t want to do either. I’ve never been good at figuring out my own life or what I “want to do”. I’ve hit on a lot of things I like, that ultimately turned into jobs I hated, but I’ve never done something that turned into “I can’t believe they pay me to do this.” I am not sure if there’s much time left to do that either. Running out of time is how I been feeling almost every day lately. To the point that it has been keeping my up a lot at night.
Like most people, I want to make the “right” decision about all of this for myself and my family, but I’m not sure the “safe” decision is the right decision. Just that it’s the safe decision. The question is whether or not it’s time to end my dead-end path where I am now and struggle with the consequences of risk or to just keep trudging along and find a way to push past that safety zone while being in it as well.